As some of you might know, I’ve been a single mom to my five children for some years now. I like to think that my children and I have a pretty good relationship with each other, allaahumma baarik, where we share our secrets, give and receive advice, as well as talk about mundane things happening around the world. My children include a twenty-year-old, two teenagers, one preteen, and an eight-year-old.
Some of you might also know that I run groups for sisters based on motherhood and other topics, and one of the most common questions I’m asked is about teenagers and how to connect with them.
How do we communicate with teenagers? How do we get them to open up to us, trust us, and come to us when they’re struggling? And perhaps most importantly, how do we bring them closer to the Deen during these important years?
These are some of the questions I’ve tried to address here, along with the things I’ve learnt and found helpful over the years.
So, I hope this topic will be helpful to you all. Maybe sometime later, I might even write a huge book on it as well, you never know… But jokes aside, do let me know in the comments below if you think this article helped you. 🤍
1. Don’t wait until something serious comes up before you start having discussions.
Not all talks have to be serious or only happen when something comes up.
Communication starts from a very young age. It could be about their hobbies or interests, simply asking their opinions, spending time together without a specific reason, or just talking during drives, walks, chores, or meals.
The main thing is that your children understand that you’re someone they can come and talk to easily, not someone who only corrects them constantly.
2. Listen more than you speak
Most teenagers already know what we, as parents, think and expect from them.
However, at this stage of their lives, it’s we who need to make more effort to understand them.
What teens often want is to feel heard. Let them talk, even if it seems mundane – sometimes such conversations contain the heaviest moments.
Don’t rush to correct them immediately. And don’t belittle their ideas or plans.
Also, ask questions and try to understand where they’re coming from and their thinking process.
Allow them to finish talking. Some children ask for advice themselves once they’ve said what’s on their mind. And, as a parent or adviser, understanding must come before advice.
There have been times when my children were speaking to me, and we’d start from a general topic and then few minutes later we’d be discussing what had really been weighing on their mind.
3. Separate the child from the mistake
Many times, unintentionally, we begin to define the child by their actions – lazy, slow, angry, stubborn, etc. Instead of saying, “You’re lazy,” try saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling with this lately.”
A teenager who feels constantly judged may begin to see themselves as “the bad one.”
I’ve also caught myself describing a child by what they were struggling with instead of separating the behaviour from the child. It’s a small difference in wording, but it makes a big difference in how they hear us.
It also discourages them from trying harder. And if we’re honest with ourselves, it would discourage even us as adults to be labelled with something unpleasant.
Instead of attacking character, address behaviour.
4. Create an environment where questions are welcome
Many teens are at the stage where they’re not actually adults but are treated, spoken to, and thought of as adults. In reality, they’re trying to figure out a lot on their own. At this age, they may encounter many doubts, difficult questions, and confusing ideas, especially as Muslim children in a non-Muslim country.
If they fear being shamed for asking, they may seek answers elsewhere.
Our homes should be the safe place where our children feel they can come and ask us whatever confuses them, without feeling judged.
And it’s not necessary that we know the answer to everything they ask, and that is OK too. In fact, that can even become a nice bonding opportunity to research the answer together with the child.
5. Don’t make every conversation about rules.
The Deen is not merely a list of halaal and haraam.
Let them enjoy life within the boundaries of Islaam. There’s a time to relax, a time to play, and a time to be serious.
This way, you’re helping them love the Deen indirectly. We need to help our children know Allaah, love Allaah, understand His Mercy, and appreciate His Wisdom.
6. Having mercy (and respect) for children is very important
As parents, and as people our children trust, we need to avoid mockery, public or private humiliation, comparisons (within and outside the family), hurtful sarcasm, and anything we ourselves would dislike being done to us.
When children are respected, it makes it much easier for them to accept advice, and open up.
7. Be the example you want them to follow
Children notice inconsistencies. And Islaam places a lot of emphasis on our actions following our words.
If we speak kindly, pray on time and consistently, forgive easily, repent openly, show gratitude, and handle mistakes with humility, our children will find it easier to follow the Deen, rather than merely being taught it as information.
8. Make it easy for them to return to you after they make mistakes
Every one of us makes mistakes. As the Prophet ﷺ said:
“Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.”
(Jami’ al-Tirmidhi, 2499; graded hasan by al-Albani.)
If we as adults still make mistakes, we need to be more lenient with our kids. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Let them come to you when they do. If they’re not able to come to us for guidance and discussion, they will turn to their friends, the internet, and other sources which may not necessarily be safe or reliable sources of advice.
I would much rather one of my children come to me after making a mistake than hide it out of fear. Yes, there may still be consequences, but I never want fear to stop them from asking for help.
A child who knows, “My parents may be upset or disappointed, but they still love me and will help me,” is far more likely to come to their parents for guidance and advice.
9. Make du’aa for them.
Something I’ve noticed over the years is that teenagers often carry worries we don’t even know about. Many teenagers carry insecurities and pressures that we, as parents, don’t always see or understand. Telling our children that we’re making du’aa for them helps them feel at ease and cared for. It also shows them the importance of du’aa in our daily lives.
10. Lastly, remember that guidance belongs to Allaah.
We, as parents, are responsible for teaching, nurturing, and advising, but in the end, complete guidance is from Allaah.
Even the best of parents cannot guarantee an outcome, and difficulties and challenges do not automatically mean a parent has failed.
Our role is to nurture, teach, make du’aa, and then place our tawakkul in Allaah.
In conclusion, I’d say:
As our children grow, they don’t stop needing us – they just need us in different ways. The baby whom you once held in your arms now needs your ear, your trust, your guidance, and your du’aa. If we keep the relationship and communication strong, our advice is far more likely to be accepted by our teenagers, in shaa Allaah.
